Soundtrack to my Life

I don’t want to like you. You’re difficult and annoying and immature.  You’re a dick and you’re rude and you don’t think about what you say before you say it.  You’re profane and crass and basically a terrible person. And despite that, I still like you.  A lot.  A lot more than I ever planned and a lot more than I want to. I’m so annoyed at myself for it.  I really wish I could change it.  I can’t believe that I let myself like someone this much.  I hate myself for letting someone else have this much influence over how I feel.  Because when you like someone this much, and they don’t like you, then it fucking sucks.  The last time I liked someone this much was elementary or middle school, and I’m pretty sure things have changed since then.  Except that I feel like I’m in elementary or middle school when I try and understand what’s going on inside my head.

I don’t know why I don’t want to like you.  I mean, really, I should be happy about liking someone, especially someone who fits my personality so well. I remember the first time I met you 2 years ago, and thinking ‘nope, never gonna happen’.  And now look.  Bleh. Despite all the things that you do that piss me off, you also do a lot of shit that I really admire.  Like your dedication to being successful and putting so much effort into your career.  And how you take such good care of Sansa.  And how you took care of my drunk ass that one time where I threw myself at you and you had the decency to never bring it up with me or with anyone (except Tricia, who I think we have the mutual understanding that she’s allowed to know pretty much everything). And how, even though you’re a dick to them, you care so much about our friends.  Everyone has their bad qualities, but I feel like your bad qualities are really nothing significant compared to everything I like about you.

I’m really hoping this summer helps me to figure things out.  I mean, what I would ideally like to happen is for you to realize how good we could be together and take the first step.  In my perfect universe, you would realize that we would be good for each other, and we would frolic off to the Pizza Hut buffet, feed each other pizza, and make out.  Of course, that’s not going to happen.  Actually, there’s a good chance that all of that would happen, just not the making out part.  Because you suck.  Smh. It’s honestly not even that I need to figure anything out.  There’s nothing to figure out.  I like you, and I don’t know how you feel about me.  I like to think that we could be interpreted as adorable, but everything can also be interpreted as just friends.  I wish I had the balls to be able to just go for it, especially since I won’t have to see you for 3.5 months if it got really awkward.  But I can’t.  I would not be able to handle any more rejection.  #daddyissues.

I’ve decided that unless you initiate conversations over the summer, I’m not gonna start them.  It’s gonna be such a bitch considering we’ve become pretty good friends, but I think for me it’s probably for the better.  Hopefully the time will either 1. help me get over you (which to be honest I don’t want to do) or 2. accept my self placed friendzone status, or 3. give you the chance to realize what a gem I am and how well we would work together.  There’s also the most likely probability that it’s just going to make me miss you more, but I’m trying not to think about that.

I still am holding out hope that you’re eventually going to realize what I see and what everyone else sees.  I get that you’re awkward with girls, but I’m not exactly intimidating.   I also have hope that one day you’ll realize that the adorable things we already do could easily be rewarded with sexual favors if you would realize what I’ve realized.

All of this makes me want to vomit.  This is not me, I feel like I don’t even know who I am.  I don’t say shit like this.  What the hell?  I just needed to get the feels out before being away from the internet for 2.5 weeks

sodamnrelatable:

Normal people…

My friends and I…

via sodamnrelatable

(Source: wellthiswillbeawkward)